Life Coaching Articles by Rod Morgan

ENERGY DRAINS 3 – Boundaries

When people behave inappropriately towards us we can naturally become upset. This causes another energy drain.

We can stop this behaviour by establishing effective BOUNDARIES. These are imaginary lines we can draw around ourselves to stop people saying or doing things which pain and drain us.

There are three levels of boundary – Immediate, Intermediate and Extended.

An immediate boundary stops unpleasant conduct just before it reaches us.

An intermediate boundary keeps it at a greater distance.

An extended boundary keeps poor behaviour well away from us.

Let’s take an example. Under stress, someone you know can become rude, raising their voice and swearing.

You could set an immediate boundary like, “I will not allow this person to be rude or swear when speaking with me”.

An intermediate boundary might be, “I will not let this person be rude, swear or raise their voice when speaking with me”.

Or you could set an extended boundary such as, “I will only allow this person to talk with me, or be in my presence, if s/he is calm, pleasant and polite”.

We can see that the more we extend a boundary, the more effective it is.

How, then, do we set a boundary?

The first step is to identify an individual’s behaviour or language that you want to protect yourself from.

Then decide the extent of the boundary you wish to set. What EXACTLY won’t you put up with any longer from this person? Extend your boundary well beyond what you are prepared to accept.

Next have a conversation with the person so that s/he knows the new rules.

Finally, enforce your boundary when it is in danger of being breached.

This last step takes courage and practice and it may take the other person a while to get used to your new boundary and greater assertiveness. Should your boundary be threatened you can maintain it by using the following 4 steps –

Inform – “You are beginning to raise your voice”
Ask – “Please don’t raise your voice”
Warn – “I will not continue this conversation with you if you keep raising your voice”
Leave – firmly and graciously – “I have asked you not to keep raising your voice. I am leaving now to protect myself. I will be very happy to work this out with you when you are feeling calmer.

Setting and maintaining boundaries takes courage but the benefits are well worth the effort because you will –

be less fearful
experience less stress
earn greater respect
attract people who have a similar respect for themselves
have more energy because you are not being pained and drained
be more attractive and fun to be around

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself - Ralph Waldo Emerson

7 Steps to Reclaim Your Life

Are you like many people, trapped doing things in life you don’t really want to because of a sense of obligation, a feeling that you should or simply out of habit?

If you are, what effect do these activities have on the quality of your life, your energy levels and the lives of those around you?

Here is a series of 7 steps to help you reclaim your life and begin doing the things you really want.

Work with a friend. Find a partner, friend or friends to work with. Encouragement and support will be key to your mutual success.
Self care. This includes looking after both your physical and your mental health. Review your eating and drinking habits. You are what you eat. Find some physical exercise that you really enjoy and do it with others. Make sure you get enough sleep in comfortable and restful surroundings. Only read, listen to and watch things that support your wellbeing and give you positive messages. Find ways to sing and laugh a lot!
Create more time and space. Start putting yourself into every equation. Write down how you spend your days. Have a critical look and begin reducing the time you spend doing things which do not support and nurture you. Aim for 15 – 20%. This will release space for you to start creating “me time”.
Maintain energy. Self care and the creation of more time and space will lift your energy levels and your mood. It’s crucial that you don’t let this extra vitality and optimism drain away. Now’s the time to stop putting up with things that pain and drain you. Things you tolerate and put up with. It takes RCA – Resolve, Conversation and Action and you can do it if you want to. Decide what you need to say to who and then have those conversations in a kind and sensitive way. As you begin doing this you will feel so much lighter and be much more fun to be around.
Know WHO you are or WHO you want to be. This is not about who you think you should be. This key step may take time and much soul searching and reflection. This is vital work and you now have the time and energy for it. Ask others how they see you, be aware of the sorts of things you are naturally drawn to, and listen quietly and deeply to your heart.
Know what you really want. Now that you are gaining clarity about who you really are, or who you want to be, you can start identifying what it is you really want in life. Not what you think you should want, but what you really want. Again, listen to your heart. If you feel that you don’t deserve what you really want in life, it’s crucial to begin exploring why you feel this way. Failure to address this issue can seriously hold you back.
Be Congruent. As you begin to identify your true self and what you really want in life start choosing to do only those things which are aligned with where you’re going. If something “fits”, do it; if it doesn’t, don’t.

Have fun with this - it really works!

Warmly,

Rod

SELF TALK - That little voice, it's your choice

Have you ever listened to the self talk going on in your head? Have you considered the messages you are continually giving yourself? If you haven't, you might like to. If you have, are your messages to yourself mainly positive and supportive or negative and undermining?

Mere words have a profound effect on our mental and physical state. This is because the unconscious mind does not evaluate the information it receives, it just absorbs it. Rather like a baby, it doesn't question what it's told but simply believes it.

Further, the brain and body are inextricably linked as parts of the same integrated system. Therefore the body will automatically respond to the information received by the unconscious mind.

You might like to test this for yourself. Stand comfortably in front of a mirror. Say to yourself ten times, with real feeling,, "I am weak, depressed and unhappy". How do you feel? What does your posture look like in the mirror? What is the look in your eyes?

Next, say to yourself ten times with real feeling, "I am strong, positive and happy". Do you feel different? How's your posture? How's the look in your eyes?

And, it also works the other way round. Stand as if you're really depressed with your body sagging and your head hanging forward. Whilst standing like this try to feel strong and happy. Now stand as if you are strong and empowered and try to feel depressed.

So we can see that the mind and body are totally linkedand that the state of one automatically affects the other, and vice versa.

We can improve our state therefore, and produce feelings of strength and wellbeing, by choosing to give ourselves positive self talk. And it's more powerful if the words we choose are really exciting such as, "I did that brilliantly", rather than "I did that rather well".

If we choose to use positive words we can change how we feel. We are at choice. This naturally takes practice but it's well worth the effort as it will enable us to feel empowered and happy much more of the time.

So there we have it -

Stop and listen to your self talk
Evaluate it
Change the negative words and messages to positive ones - and use exciting vocabulary
Keep repeating the positive words and messages to yourself

That little voice, it's your choice.